It's not quite 8:30 in the morning and already it feels like the sun should be getting ready to set instead of rising! I created this blog awhile back as part of a network for building backlinks , but this morning I really needed a place to rant and rave and, aha! So, from now on I guess I can use this platform for these exact moments... these moments in time where clarity, insight, poety,and even wisdom, only came about from harsh reality.
Sometimes in life, more often than not for some people, it's easier to blame someone else for your misfortune. In fact, I spent alot of time blaming other things for my decisions. First it was my dad dying. I was 16 and in 11th grade. I was struggling the year before because it was the first time I seen this man, who was almost invincible to me, fading slowly. Both my parents had decided when I was little, to not tell me exactly how sick my father was. I cannot blame them for that choice. I passed the 10th grade with the lowest marks I ever got, I believe it was just barely a C average. Before that I was an honor roll student every semester of every year. Besides my circle of lifelong friends, I was not very good socially, so schoolwork was easy for me, I studied and actually enjoyed learning, something that I once again do. The summer of 1993 was the first time I came out of my nerd shell, in fact it had more firsts for me than any other summer. My first kiss, my first drink, the first time I smoked cigarettes and pot, and the first time in my life I started a fight. By the time school started again in September 1993, I was clueless.
If I made it to school a hand full of days in the beginning of 11th grade I'd be surprised. I remember my father going in and out of the hospital and my mother slowly losing her mind. I was scared, but when they said he was coming home in the middle of October, I got excited. Hey after all, the Phillies made it the World Series and I got to watch it at home with my dad. He was too weak to watch it downstairs so we sat in the bedroom together, yelling, screaming and cheering the whole time! We watched games 1 and 2 and the day of game 3 my world changed forever. My father died on October 19th 1993, the same day as Game 3 of the MLB World Series.
For those who remember watching the 6th game, when the "Wild Thing" Mitch Williams came in to close the bottom of the 9th, the excitement of being so close to winning and tying up the series, than Joe Carter steps up to bat. When that ball landed in the left field stands, the silence that filled the city, perfectly describes exactly how I felt. A spoiled rotten skinny kid, sitting on his fathers bed while his mother weeps downstairs, with no clue just how silent the joy would be, about to ruin his life.
My friends at the time were some of the best friends anyone could have. For the few days that followed they were all right there, ready to keep my mind busy. Sadly looking back, I left my mom alone, and on October 22nd, she told me she was leaving. She was going to move out towards where my sister lived as soon as she could. That was the start of me watching my mom lose her mind. I didn't know that than. It wasn't until Nov. 2nd, when my best friend Brad called me and said he had two girls coming over and I had to play wingman for him. I really didn't want to go. Somehow he convinced me, and I slowly walked over to his house, believing I was going to be bored outta my skull. This girl that he had been trying so hard to hook up with had finally agreed to come over and she was bringing a friend. I remember how Billy and him had been fighting over this girl and that's why he asked me to come over. After all, I was a geek with big glasses and poised no threat, yet could keep her friend occupied so he could make his move. Little did he know that Danielle could not stand when someone was so pushy, and from the moment they walked into his bedroom, she and I began a relationship that defined my whole life. From the moment I first looked into those big beautiful eyes, that always changed color with her mood (her sister used to say she loved watching her cry because of the rainbow that her eyes became!), and thinking to myself how crazy it was that this look just melted me, I knew my life was about to change. I had crushes, just a few months before had kissed a couple of different girls, but this look, this sudden feeling that seemed to fill some of the void that was now a part of me, happened all in the first moment I meet this girl. And just a few minutes later when she sat on my lap and wrapped her arms around me ( she admitted later that when she sat on the bed and Brad kept moving closer, she sat on my lap to stop him from getting to her), I felt like everything would be ok.
I let my father's death steer me on a destructive path, and i didn't finish out the 11th grade though my mother and Danielle tried so hard and my mom even paid for me to go to a private school to finish out high school. I didn't and I let her down. Though I went back and got my GED when I was 18, that was the first time I had an excuse for my own failures, and it would not be the last. I started doing things that affected my health, and Danielle had to watch as I got worse and worse. She listened as the doctors were telling me that I was going to die if I didn't take care of my heart. She told me years later that she used to sit up at night, afraid because I had developed sleep apnea and would literally stop breathing sometimes for up to a minute. This beautiful, wonderful girl who had agreed to marry me, was watching me kill myself. She couldn't do it anymore. Danielle leaving me was the 2nd time I had an excuse for my own failures.
Though this story has only just begun, I have to stop for now. It's now almost 10 in the morning and downstairs is a little angel who's smile can keep his Uncle BB from getting lost in despair. I need it right about now. I'll finish this story sometime, I don't think that all this past heartache is something I should be concentrating on right now.
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